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Here’s a sample. (I make corrections in capital letters).
Some people think that intelligence in innate while others think that we can improve our knowledge through earning. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
While it is sometimes thought that THE intellectual power of an individual is inherited, others believe that one can become a genious GENIUS only through education. In my view, I consider that a person achieve MAY ACHIEVE perfection through learning only.
On the one hand, some people assume that talent is genetically inherited by an individual from his parents. This can be illustratdd ILLUSTRATED by a two year old singer TWO-YEAR-OLD SINGER Ali who had been WAS awarded THE BEST SINGERas the best singer in a reality show. In an interview he told REPORTERS that he never took any training but hasHAD inherited this voice from his father who is a musician. In, according ACCORDING to a survey conducted in a medical college, ABOUT 90% it was reported that about 90% of students who have be become successful doctors belong to doctor families only. Therefore, clearly represents THEREFORE IT IS CLEAR that THE intellectual ability of an individual is determined by his genetics.
On the other hand, it is often concurredARGUED that one can achieve intelligence through dedication and commitment and I agree. In other words, in order to achieve excellence an individual needS to work on his abilities. To illustrate, Mahendra Singh Dhoni, who is known as the best cricketer in Indian Cricket team belong toCAME FROM an underprivileged background. Although his father was a shopkeeper, he achieved top class position through his hard work. Likewise, many superstars such as Amitabhbachan, worked flat out in order to gain prosperity, regardless of their acting SOCIAL background. Thus it is DEMONSTRATED THAT IN THE EFFORTjustified with the above illustration in an effort to reach at the peak position in a career, external facotrs plays PLAY a pivotal role.
To conclude, although views of people vary regarding the attaining of intelligence, I opine that it depends upon the personal efforts of an individual but not on genes.
Word count is 287, so well-judged for length.
You have stated you position in the introduction, which is not suitable for a “discuss both sides” format. More importantly, you then contradicted your own view in the first BP – “Therefore, clearly represents that intellectual ability of an individual is determined by his genetics.” When you discuss the other side you must make clear that this is not your view. Use “According to this view…’ In addition, you have not really developed your own opinion – you give us only one line in the conclusion restating your view. This is only a partial response, and so TA is 6.
The contradiction between your intro and BP1 also impacts your CC scores. In addition, the examples you have chosen do not relate to intelligence – they relate instead to talent. It is quite possible to be great at cricket but lack intelligence – look at the Australian team and the ball-tampering scandal!) Otherwise, your cohesiveness was quite good and would have scored a 7 – I am giving you 6.5 for CC.
Some good vocabulary – intellectual ability, to achieve excellence, worked flat out (although a little casual). Against this a few poor choices – doctor families = family of doctors, often concurred = often argued, acting background = social status. I have given you 6.5 for LR
For grammar, I have made corrections above. The number of errors means that 6 is the most I can give for GRA.
So 6/6.5/6.5/6 = 6.5 overall.
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