Healthcare – Feedback Example

stethoscope

Here is a sample of the feedback that I provide to subscribers.  Below you will find a response to this week’s Healthcare writing exercise, and my commentary.

Accessing high finesse healthcare is a significant problem in myriad of poorer nations.This essay will argue the wherewithals of this problem and the relevant solutions followed by reasoned conclusion.

On the one hand, that healthcare woe in less developed countries has many causes.First of all, the public healthcare insurance only provided to the employees, so the joblessness citizens can not get this service.Moreover,the public healthcare has less quality as compared with the private healthcare.Furthermore, the private healthcare services is so expensive, so only richness persons can afford this budget.Besides, there are limited waiting list for operations and appointments in both public and private systems.Further more, there is no proficiency  in medical cadres , such as doctors , nurses and dentists.Besides, the shortage of medical awareness for citizens that affect adversely on wide spread of hepatitis virus C ,B , brucella,paratyphoid and typhoid diseases.

On the other hand, the governments of  the third world nations should do many efforts to overcome this crisis.Firstly, they should establish a specific budget to improve the healthcare sys.Besides, this public service should be avaliable for everyone freely.For instance, Britain provides a free healthcare services for every resident.Moreover, empowering the business men to allocate fund in private healthcare projects.For instance, in India has experienced a tremendous development in private healthcare.Besides, the health awareness campaigne that will decline the dirty diseades , such as obesity and heart stroke.Eventually, the richer countries should help the poorer countries in solving this problems by sending special cadres annually to aid in doing surgical operations, besides pumping money to evolve the public health ordinance.

In conclusion, despite the prominent healthcare problem in poorer countries, there are some reasonable solutions that can help in solving this woe.

Hi XXXXXX,

Your structure is an introduction, a large paragraph discussing the problems, a large paragraph discussing the possible solutions, and a conclusion.  Your introduction and conclusion are very short – try to think of three sentence paragraphs that you could use to make these more complete.

Using “one the one hand” and “on the other hand” doesn’t suit this question. We are not asked to give two sides of an argument , but to discuss two separate points.  I would delete both.

Your first large paragraph probably makes too many suggestions.  Look at your sentence beginnings; first, moreover, furthermore, besides, furthermore, besides.  It feels like a list.  It would be better to choose maybe two of the suggestions, and explain a little more about it.  Here’s an example using your point about the lack of skilled doctors etc,
“In many developing nations there is a shortage of properly-trained medical staff.  The high cost and time commitment required to obtain medical qualifications probably deters many from pursuing this career option.  As a result, even if hospitals are constructed in poorer countries there may be insufficient staff to provide care to the patients.”
Your second large paragraph has a similar problem.  Look at the first word of your sentences; again you are probably making too many points,and should reduce them and focus on the best ones.
There are also some grammar problems, but in your case I think it more important to focus on the paragraph and sentences structures.
I hope this is helpful.  Let me know if you have any questions.
Regards
Mike

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s